Community Police Reports

(All information is preliminary and subject to change pending investigation and/or hitherto unforeseen circumstances with regards to political goings-on.)

Theft-Motor Vehicle

On June 7, at 1:26 p.m., Constable Billingsly was dispatched to the Public Transit Hub and Eatery to take report of a stolen motor vehicle.  The victim stated that his motor vehicle was a drunk-tank pink 1965 Plymouth Barracuda with zaffre adornments.  The car has no noticeable characteristics that would make it stick out.  The victim, Oswald Carrington IV, of the Brooksville Carringtons, stated that he is single and actively looking to court females of Caribbean descent between the ages of 27 and 32, unless otherwise authorized.  The victim stated that his car was stolen sometime between last Saturday, June 6th and July 5th, 1965.  Carrington stated that he parks his carriage in his car port on all nights except those occurring on days that are a prime number away from January 1st, in which case his vehicle stays in the hangar to further protect it from solar variances occurring during prime numbered days.  When asked if he forgot about it being a leap year and June 6th not being a prime numbered day and perhaps the car was in the car port, Carrington IV became irate and Constable Billingsly was forced to deploy his non lethal concentrated Sarin Gas attack upon Carrington IV.  Despite his profuse sweating and intermittent floppy paralysis, Constable Billingsly was unable to handcuff an elusive and now bronchoconstricted Carrington IV, forcing the law enforcement officer to call the local militia for semi-lethal tactical small arms.  Upon the arrival of the militia, a small skirmish ensued and the target was destroyed.  Time of death was 1:29 p.m.

Assist Other Departments

On June 1st, at 2:43 a.m., the FFPD responded to a report that the Cranksville PD was in pursuit of a 1997 Dodge Stratus, approaching Frankfurt Falls via the Dustin Diamond Memorial Bridge.  The driver of the vehicle was suspected to be a person who had recently been indicted on federal charges of serial witchcraft and buggery.  The FFPD deployed their chief deescalation drones to the east end of the bridge.  Upon seeing the drones, the suspect attempted to stop his vehicle before entering the bridge, but was unable to do so once being spotted by the drones.  During the de-escalation process, the victim was forced from his car via concentrated subsonic sound waves.  He was eventually apprehended by two plain clothes cops who happened to be working the Dustin Diamond beat on a steak out patrolling illegal swimming beneath the bridge.  Only three of the five drones deployed returned to the Municipal Defence Centre; one having been shot down by another drone in an instance of friendly fire, and the other suffered a runtime error leading it to incorrectly activate its Morality Enforcement Mode.  After leaving the remaining three drones, it was last seen in East Frankfurt falls hovering overhead of the Manhole Nightclub.  Attempts by officials to corral and/or communicate with the drone have so far been unsuccessful.

Disturbance

On May 35th, officers were dispatched to the Frankfurt Falls Memorial Flower Place and Tree Home where a small group of vagabonds were gathered and reported to be causing a small disturbance via their presence.  Police located the man described by the others as their leader and questioned him.  The man, who said his name was Dan, repeatedly made request of a rice bowl, which the officers did have but decided it was in the best interest of Frankfurt Falls to deny the man his rice bowl.  Upon questioning the rest of the unorganized group, all claimed to be quite hungry as a result of not having eaten in over a week.  Other complaints were more personal.  One was unresponsive aside from a repeated statement of having to find his typewriter.  Another claimed laryngitis and couldn't not speak at all.  Most of the men also requested that they have a collective show of hands in order to decide what should happen to them.  The officers did not acquiesce and they were all taken into custody on charges of inciting panic.  

Traffic Offense-Fleeing

No more than a fortnight ago, some sheriff’s deputies got to observin’ a suspicious vehicle goin’ up north along interstate 162.  Rolled a couple a stopsigns and maybe a red light or two.  Big car, by the way.  Not a truck, but a big car.  Bigger ‘n most, these days.  Deputies lit em up round mile marker 57.  An Oldsmobile maybe.  Early 80s model I’d say.  Well, these boys just didn’t have the sense in em to do right and listen to law so on they went.  I mean it, just kept goin’.  Never even got a look at em, other than to know there were two of em.  So that was it, couldn’t chase em if they wasn’t gonna stop.  Deputies came on back to town.  It ain’t like it used to be.

Shoplifting

On June 10th, police were dispatched to Sav-A-Bunch grocery store in response to an ongoing shoplifting incident.  The officers spoke to loss prevention officials who said they observed the suspect, who they described as an elderly male, doing form perfect cartwheels down the aisles and stopping to place items into his overcoat.  Before being confronted and apprehended, the suspect was also observed baring his chest, squirting chocolate syrup on himself, and screaming to nearby shoppers, “MY NIPPLES ARE BLEEDING, BRUV!  ME NIPS IS BLEEDING.”  After being arrested, officers found a six-pack of Sprite Zero, a carafe of Tropicana, Pulp Free, and a bag of columbian coffee beans.  The suspect was charged with inciting an uncomfortability/ with intent, and public indecency.  The man also had an outstanding warrant for Cessation Without a License(fourth offense).